Divorce Doesn’t Scar Children – Selfish Parents Do!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Divorce is a highly emotional topic. When children are involved the consequences are far more dramatic – and, not surprisingly, so are our opinions. I know there are many people who sincerely believe that no divorce is a good divorce. That children are always and inevitably harmed by the physical and emotional separation of their parents. And that parents should – for the sake of the kids – just stick it out and not rock the boat with divorce or separation until the children are grown.

This is a particularly prevalent view for many who are grown children of divorce. These adults have experienced the dramatic life changes that come with divorce and feel permanently scarred as a result.

This response is certainly understandable. But it’s not the final word on this subject. I have another perspective based on the experience of being raised in a family that chose to stay together “for the sake of the kids.” My parents should have divorced early in their marriage. They were both miserable together, had little respect for each other, and raised two children in a home fraught with anger, tension, frequent loud arguments and discord.

I remember my mother asking me one day when I was in early adolescence whether she should divorce Dad. “No,” I cried. I wanted a Mom and a Dad like the other kids. My childhood was miserable and filled with insecurity. Immersed in that insecurity I feared what life would be like if my parents were divorced. Mom didn’t have the courage to do it anyway (those were vastly different times, especially for women) and she continued in her unhappy marriage for decades more.

Looking back, I feel that was an unfortunate mistake. Neither of my parents were bad people. They were both just totally mismatched. Their communication skills were miserably lacking and they were wrapped up in winning every battle at all costs. The cost, of course, was the well-being of their family, especially of their children. I believe that each of them would have been happier and more fulfilled had they parted ways and remained single or chosen another mate.

Based on my own personal experience, I’ve come to firmly believe that it’s not divorce that scars our children. It’s wounded parents who do not care, understand or see that their behavior is hurting their children. It’s vindictive parents who put down the other spouse in front of their kids. It’s parents who decide they should have sole custody or primary influence over the children with little regard as to the kid’s relationship with the other parent. It’s parents who confide their adult dramas to innocent children who just want to love Mommy and Daddy. It’s parents who put financial gain and material decisions over the emotional well-being of their children.

In essence, it’s selfish parents who put their own needs ahead of those of their totally dependent children when making life-altering parental decisions. When these parents get a divorce, the consequences are not only sad. Too often they end up scarring innocent psyches. They forget — or are ignorant about — how their decisions will affect their children in the months, years and, yes, decades ahead. It is not divorce per se, but the divorce of two parents so enraged by each other that they make decisions based on blind hatred rather than conscious, educated wisdom.

There is much more that can be said on this subject but space prompts me to stop for now. I value your feedback on this controversial topic and encourage thoughtful dialogue within these pages. Please send your comments along to me for more in-depth discussion.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a “child-centered divorce.” For other free articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide ™ to preparing your children — with love, Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

As an Attorney Mediator, it pains me greatly to speak with divorcing parents who still can remember how painful it was for them to watch their parents go through divorce. Having parents that fight and use the children as a weapon in divorce can leave an ever lasting impact on the children. Don’t do it. It’s as easy as that. You are in control of your yourself….. not the control of others. Do the right thing and your children will not be left with the horrible memories of what you put them through during your divorce. I am very thankful to Rosalind Sedacca for writing this article. It is up to each and every one of us who are going through a divorce to do the right thing for their children while you are going through it. Your children will be better for it.

Christina M. Wojtowicz, Esq.

Helping Children Cope With Divorce: Avoiding the 10 Biggest Mistakes Divorced Parents Make!

Some parents think once they are divorced and most of the decisions have been made, the worst is behind them. Unfortunately, parenting after divorce is a week by week experience. Your success depends on the decisions you make, your attitude toward your situation and your compassion for your innocent children.

You may have heard it all before, but smart parents quiz themselves regularly to see if they are not falling into some of the traps of destructive post-divorce parenting. If you find yourself making any of these mistakes, it’s never too late to make amends. You may have to alter decisions, adjust some behaviors, give yourself an attitude adjustment and even apologize to your children – or to their Dad! Keep in mind, we all make mistakes that we regret. It’s part of the learning process – especially when we’re parents. It’s far better to set the course straight today than to reap the consequences years from now when your adult children ask: Mom (or Dad), what were you thinking?

Professionals all agree these are some of the most emotionally damaging mistakes to children that parents make when coping with divorce or separation:

Fighting around your children – even on the phone or in another room if they can hear you. It does more damage than you can imagine!

Asking your children to bear the weight of making decisions or choosing sides. It fills them with guilt, anxiety and confusion.

Failing to remind your children that none of this is in any way their fault. Kids tend to blame themselves for your problems unless you tell them differently.

Forgetting to emphasize that Mom and Dad will always be their Mom and Dad and always continue to love them — even after the divorce! Fear of losing Mom or Dad is an enormous emotional burden.

Confiding adult details to children in order to attract their allegiance, sympathy or emotional support. Save that for adult friends and therapists.

Disparaging, putting down or in any way disrespecting their other parent — regardless how justified or tempting — because it creates confusion, guilt, sadness, insecurity and low self-esteem in your children

Alienating or keeping your children from having an ongoing loving relationship with their other parent (for your own selfish reasons!) Often they’ll resent you for this when they are grown!

Asking your children to spy, act as messengers between both parents or provide inappropriate details about the other parent’s home life. Let them enjoy their childhood without adult responsibilities on their shoulders!

Lying to your children in order to manipulate their attention or sympathy. This is selfish and hurtful. They’ll resent you for it when they’re adults!

Getting back at your ex by making decisions aimed at hurting them – even though your children will pay the emotional price (such as moving a great distance away, not inviting your ex to a graduation or other important occasion, punishing them for financial problems by limiting visitation, etc.)

All of these behaviors are bound to backfire on you. If not immediately, then down the line as your children grow and understand more about the world. A good question to keep in mind when making all decisions about your children is: What will my kids say to me about how I handled the divorce when they are adults?

You and your children can survive — and even thrive after divorce. Think before you leap and give your children the best possible opportunity to face the changes ahead by providing them with security, compassion and love.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love! For other free articles on Child-Centered Divorce, a free ezine, valuable resources for parents, coaching and other services, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Christina M. Wojtowicz, Esq.