Divorcing Parents: Avoid Taking Your Divorce Drama To Court

June 24, 2017 Leave a CommentWritten by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

divorce consequences for families

You’re getting divorced. It’s likely that one or both of you are angry, resentful, hurt, vindictive or any combination of other painful emotions. You want to lash out, to get back at your spouse or boost your own sense of esteem. Hiring the most aggressive litigious divorce lawyer you can find may seem like your smartest choice. Your ex is in for a fight!

If you’re a parent who is thinking along those lines, you’re making a decision you may long regret. And so will your innocent children. If you choose a lawyer who directs you straight into a vicious court battle, the costs to you can be insurmountable – not only in financial outlay, but in emotional turmoil as well. Think long and hard before you move your divorce battle into the litigation system. It is likely to take its toll on every member of your family – especially your children – in the most destructive and gut-wrenching ways.

It happens all the time. But it need not happen to you.

When you give your divorce outcome over to the courts, you are paving the way to unimaginable stress and frustration compounded by a sense of powerlessness that is hard to comprehend until you are in its grips. As you stand by and watch attorneys and judges make decisions about your life and your future you can’t help but feel violated and helpless. The taste of revenge you were after can easily turn into anxiety and shock when issues get twisted – and victors become victims right before your eyes.

The consequences can play out for years, and often decades, to come. Sadly, your children are not protected from the emotional and psychological repercussions. In today’s busy courts, custody decisions are often made by those who are focused more on financial issues than family issues. Children’s needs often get pushed aside in favor of other objectives. Relationship dynamics, future family life balance and good do not get prime attention in the battle of divorce. And the scars on your children’s psyches are often overlooked in the legal blood-bath that ensues.

There are other ways. Better ways. Actually, more ways than ever before to create a healthy divorce that respects the rights of everyone in the family and protects your children’s wellbeing now and long into the future.

Before engaging that “killer” attorney, talk to a Collaborative Divorce attorney who specializes in creating peaceful outcomes without going to court. Collaborative Lawyers engage a team approach. They are trained to use their own special skills along with the aid of financial planners, therapists, and other resources to bring both sides into conversation about win-win outcomes. Children’s needs get high consideration.

Certified Mediators offer another opportunity to create a fair settlement without litigation at a considerable cost savings. Many mediators are former divorce attorneys who have battled it out in court and know there are saner solutions for all concerned. They care about creating peaceful resolutions.

The Child-Centered Divorce Network recommends other family-friendly divorce attorneys in our directory. Just click on the Meet Our Experts button at http://www.ChildCenteredDivorce.com.

For co-parents who still believe they want to battle child custody issues with their soon-to-be former spouse, please watch the trailer to this vitally important film, Talk To Strangers. Get the real truth, from a caring divorce attorney, about how children are affected by these court battles launched in the name of “protecting the kids.” Visit: http://www.ChildCustodyFilm.com.

Learn from the lessons and mistakes of others. If you want to save yourself considerable expense – both emotionally and financially – and if you want your children to thank you when they are grown up for creating a civilized, sensible, harmonious divorce – make the right decisions today. Stay out of court. Stay out of the hands of killer attorneys. Stay in the good graces of your children. Create a Child-Centered Divorce – and reap the rewards for years to come!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting as well as expert advice, coaching, programs and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.ChildCenteredDivorce.com.

Divorce Advice From Family & Friends – Don’t Take It!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

The Divorce/Separation Path

Divorce by its very nature brings up lots of judgments. Most people have strong opinions about divorce, strongly influenced by their own experiences or the programming of their upbringing.

You’re very unlikely to change anyone’s mind about the best way to handle divorce when you’re a parent. So don’t try.

Your family and friends mean well. They want to support and help you through any crisis. But be aware that along with their support they bring their personal prejudices. These are weighed down by the baggage of judgments that inevitably color their advice. If you allow yourself to be influenced by the well-meant suggestions of these individuals, you may find yourself falling into a deep quagmire of confusion or even depression.

No one walks in your shoes or has experienced your history. At the same time, most everyone has an agenda, and opinion on what you should or shouldn’t do based on how they see the world.

Can your friends and family members, much as they do love you, be sincerely impartial at this time?
Can they offer you the best perspective on how to move ahead with your life?
Can they provide sound advice about your best options without their message being affected by their own life dramas and frustrations?

Be gracious about the advice you get – then do what is right for you!

In most cases, they cannot. When you’re besieged with advice, be gracious about accepting it. Listen and weigh its value. Then decide for yourself about what path you need to take next. Think about your innocent children and what decisions you need to make to best support them now, in the months to come, and in the years to follow.

How will they remember this time?
Will they understand your behaviors and decisions when they grow to maturity?
Will they be unnecessarily scarred by what you say, do or don’t do at this time?

A professional therapist, divorce coach or member of the clergy with experience in these matters can be a sounding board for you while offering a more impartial perspective on your present situation. It makes sense to talk to such a professional for advice, feedback and as a gauge to see if the direction you are moving in is the wisest for everyone in your family.

Talk to mediators or Collaborative attorneys before traditional divorce lawyers steering you into litigation. Discuss their approach to protecting your children not only legally, but also psychologically and emotionally as you move ahead. If your legal team is not family focused and co-parenting oriented it’s unlikely the children’s real needs will be addressed and they may suffer the consequences long-term.

Trained professionals know how to remain dispassionate while providing encouragement and support. They know how to listen and ask questions that clarify your challenges and the options available to you. Once you come to a decision and feel it is the best and most congruent direction for you and your children, then you can take action with confidence.

Don’t ask for agreement from your friends and family.

Ask instead for their support.

This is a time for focus and clarity. Trust yourself and trust those who are trained to help during the stresses related to divorce or separation. You are making life-transforming decisions that will affect your family, and especially your children, for years and even decades to come. Lean in the direction of creating a “child-centered” divorce, putting your children’s emotional needs first and foremost, and you are much more likely to look back at this time with a sense of well-being.

You did the best you could for those whose lives are in your hands.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of the internationally acclaimed, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! For expert advice on divorce and parenting issues, personal Coaching services, valuable resources and her free ebook – Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Doing It Right! visit Rosalind’s website at: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.