Teens Taking Sides A Painful Consequence of Divorce

October 13, 2018Written by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

I received the following question which poses many challenges related to divorce and parenting. While there is never a one-size-fits-all answer to relationship questions, I’m sharing my response with you as a perspective worth considering. This may be useful to initiate conversations with your former spouse and children or for discussion with a therapist or divorce coach if you are seeing one.

“I am divorced for a short while, after being separated for several years. My 16-year-old daughter is awful to me and she yells “I hate you” and even curses at me even in public. I am sure she blames me for leaving her mom, but my other two children (boys, one older and one younger) seem to be dealing with the divorce fine. My problem is that I have no control over discipline. I would never speak to anyone the way she speaks to me, let alone a parent. But since she doesn’t live with me, her mother is the disciplinarian and always with my daughter. And I don’t believe that my daughter speaks to her mother or anyone else the way she talks to me. I love my daughter, but I can’t let anyone, especially not my own child, speak to me in such a terrible way. When I can pick the kids up, she never wants to come, but the boys and I have a good time together. I don’t know what to do.”

Rosalind’s Answer:

There’s no simple answer to your question. Naturally, it is complex and multi-dimensional, as are most family issues. Let me share some thoughts with you to give you one perspective:

* Unfortunately it is not uncommon for 16-year old daughters, for a variety of reason, to yell “I hate you!” at their parents. While it is hurtful to hear this, keep in mind that this level of over-dramatizing life is part of the teenage experience. Following a recent divorce, I wouldn’t suggest focusing on the discipline aspect of the comment at this point. Let go of your self-righteousness and put your attention instead on trying to see the world from your daughter’s viewpoint.

* Sadly there is a good chance your daughter is being influenced by her mother to not respect, trust or love you. This can be a result of your ex trying to win her over to Mom’s side, using your daughter as a confidant and trying to develop more of a friend rather than a parenting relationship with your daughter.

*All of these behaviors create distance and distrust for you which is far more serious than your daughter’s comments. This is a form of parental alienation which is hard to counter. However, that is the reality of the challenge you are facing.

* The more you understand what your daughter is experiencing, the more compassion you will have for her and the easier it will be for you to step up to being the father she needs — even if she doesn’t realize it right now. You are still a role model to her and she needs to feel your unconditional love. She is testing you and may genuinely feel you have hurt her mother. She may also be torn with guilt regarding supporting her mother since she is living with her.

*How you handle this now will affect your long-term relationship with her. So don’t stand on your soap-box. Show her your empathy, compassion and the ability to turn the other cheek. That’s the Dad she needs to see — and the one she will gravitate towards over time if you are sincere and can be patient.

*It would be helpful for you to seek out a support system — a therapist, divorce group or coach — because what I am suggesting to you is not easy and will take your stepping up and taking the “high road” on an issue that is not fair to you. But it is your reality and the choices you make today will affect your relationship with your daughter for decades to come.

*So think before you act. Stay connected to your deep love for your daughter. And remember, she didn’t create this tremendous life-altering experience. You and your former spouse did. The kids are always innocent. A 16-year old is not emotionally prepared for handling this so give her some flack and be the mature adult.

*It would also be wise to talk to your ex on the side and discuss your feelings as well as the consequences for your daughter to be alienated from you. You can suggest that Mom can also take the high road and do what’s best for her daughter. But you can’t count on it! Don’t wait for her to do the right thing. Your future relationship with your daughter is up to you. Don’t create further alienation. Be there for her, be patient and loving. Hopefully she will come to thank you down the line!

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love!For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, free articles, her blog, coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

5 Steps To A Brighter Future After Divorce!

October 20, 2018Written by Rosalind Sedacca

parenting after divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Accepting the reality and finality of divorce can be a tough challenge. We need to be able to let go of the life we knew and prepare to face an unknown future. That can be intimidating. Here are 5 key steps to accepting your new reality with grace, peace and positive expectations for a happier life ahead, especially if you’re also a parent!

1) Focus on yourself — not on your former spouse

We can’t ever undo the past. But the past can undo us — if we’re not careful about our thoughts, beliefs and actions. The only one we can ever change is ourselves. Don’t waste valuable time pining about the past, blaming your ex or wishing you had done something differently. Focus instead on how you can transform yourself today into the person you most want to be, with confidence and high self-esteem. When you shift from within, things on the outside will shift as well. Only then can you choose to make healthier decisions about your life and your future new life partner.

2) Seek out the support you need

Tough times demand support systems if we want to progress into the next stage in our lives. Recovering from the wounds of divorce is not something to tackle alone. Reach out for a coach, therapist, support group or member of the clergy experienced in this work. It will accelerate your progress while boosting your self-esteem at the same time. There is no shame in needing support. The world’s top athletes, entrepreneurs, actors and others all depend on coaches to achieve greater success!

3) Accept that this is a process

Feeling angry, depressed, embarrassed, hurt or other negative emotions is a natural part of the grieving and moving on process after divorce. Accept your feelings and look for the lessons you’ve learned through your marriage and divorce. These can be gifts you can use when you’re ready to move ahead and step out into your new reality. If you’re feeling stuck in any emotion and can’t let go, reach out for the help you need from an experienced professional. Remember, you’re not alone, so don’t isolate yourself or stay immersed in your pain.

4) Take responsibility for the part you played

It’s easy to feel like a victim in your divorce and put all the blame on your former spouse. But that keeps you stuck in a place without growth. Before you can move beyond your divorce you have to “own” the role you played in the marriage as well as the insights you can take away to use in the months ahead. When we take responsibility for experiences in our lives we have the power to make positive changes – and that’s essential for creating the brighter future we all desire and deserve.

5) Remember you are a role model for your children

Regardless of whether they acknowledge it or not, your children are watching and learning from you through lessons both good and bad. What are you teaching them about how to recover from a challenge in life? What are they learning about how to deal with conflict and difficult people around you? What lessons are they getting about taking responsibility for your life and your actions? What are you modeling about being a victim versus becoming victorious, despite tough times? Your children will thank you for being a mature, responsible parent and showing them how to overcome challenging situations. Step up and BE the parent they need now and in the future!

*** *** ***

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. She is author of the internationally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children – With Love! Her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, free articles, free ezine and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues are all available at http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.