Teens Taking Sides A Painful Consequence of Divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

I received the following question which poses many challenges related to divorce and parenting. While there is never a one-size-fits-all answer to relationship questions, I’m sharing my response with you as a perspective worth considering. This may be useful to initiate conversations with your former spouse and children or for discussion with a therapist or divorce coach if you are seeing one.

“I am divorced for a short while, after being separated for several years. My 16-year-old daughter is awful to me and she yells “I hate you” and even curses at me even in public. I am sure she blames me for leaving her mom, but my other two children (boys, one older and one younger) seem to be dealing with the divorce fine. My problem is that I have no control over discipline. I would never speak to anyone the way she speaks to me, let alone a parent. But since she doesn’t live with me, her mother is the disciplinarian and always with my daughter. And I don’t believe that my daughter speaks to her mother or anyone else the way she talks to me. I love my daughter, but I can’t let anyone, especially not my own child, speak to me in such a terrible way. When I can pick the kids up, she never wants to come, but the boys and I have a good time together. I don’t know what to do.”

Rosalind’s Answer:

There’s no simple answer to your question. Naturally, it is complex and multi-dimensional, as are most family issues. Let me share some thoughts with you to give you one perspective:

* Unfortunately it is not uncommon for 16-year old daughters, for a variety of reason, to yell “I hate you!” at their parents. While it is hurtful to hear this, keep in mind that this level of over-dramatizing life is part of the teenage experience. Following a recent divorce, I wouldn’t suggest focusing on the discipline aspect of the comment at this point. Let go of your self-righteousness and put your attention instead on trying to see the world from your daughter’s viewpoint.

* Sadly there is a good chance your daughter is being influenced by her mother to not respect, trust or love you. This can be a result of your ex trying to win her over to Mom’s side, using your daughter as a confidant and trying to develop more of a friend rather than a parenting relationship with your daughter.

*All of these behaviors create distance and distrust for you which is far more serious than your daughter’s comments. This is a form of parental alienation which is hard to counter. However, that is the reality of the challenge you are facing.

* The more you understand what your daughter is experiencing, the more compassion you will have for her and the easier it will be for you to step up to being the father she needs — even if she doesn’t realize it right now. You are still a role model to her and she needs to feel your unconditional love. She is testing you and may genuinely feel you have hurt her mother. She may also be torn with guilt regarding supporting her mother since she is living with her.

*How you handle this now will affect your long-term relationship with her. So don’t stand on your soap-box. Show her your empathy, compassion and the ability to turn the other cheek. That’s the Dad she needs to see — and the one she will gravitate towards over time if you are sincere and can be patient.

*It would be helpful for you to seek out a support system — a therapist, divorce group or coach — because what I am suggesting to you is not easy and will take your stepping up and taking the “high road” on an issue that is not fair to you. But it is your reality and the choices you make today will affect your relationship with your daughter for decades to come.

*So think before you act. Stay connected to your deep love for your daughter. And remember, she didn’t create this tremendous life-altering experience. You and your former spouse did. The kids are always innocent. A 16-year old is not emotionally prepared for handling this so give her some flack and be the mature adult.

*It would also be wise to talk to your ex on the side and discuss your feelings as well as the consequences for your daughter to be alienated from you. You can suggest that Mom can also take the high road and do what’s best for her daughter. But you can’t count on it! Don’t wait for her to do the right thing. Your future relationship with your daughter is up to you. Don’t create further alienation. Be there for her, be patient and loving. Hopefully she will come to thank you down the line!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love!For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting, free articles, her blog, coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

How To Handle An Uncooperative Ex During Divorce Co-Parenting

December 16, 2018Written by Rosalind Sedacca

Children affected by Divorce

Co-parenting after divorce is never easy. This is especially true when you have a contentious relationship or if your ex-partner is not cooperative. You will be subject to a tremendous amount of stress about your ex-spouse’s parenting skills, as well as the financial needs of your child. Dealing with divorce is hard as it is; throwing the challenges of co-parenting into the mix will make it extra hard.

What Is Co-Parenting?

Co-parenting is a unique arrangement between two ex-spouses who have a child together. When you go through a divorce, one is left to gain custody of the child. Regardless of who has custody of the child, both parties are responsible for caring for and providing for the needs of the child or children. In a normal situation, both parents are expected to play an active role in the development and growth of their child. But when the parents are separated, it becomes extra challenging. One parent tends to be more present than the other, depending on the arrangement you have reached.

Joint custody arrangements can be stressful, and oftentimes infuriating. But for the sake of your child, you need to let go of your resentment towards your former spouse. You need to make shared decisions and time for the child. This is the best way to ensure that your child gets the stability and emotional support that he or she needs need from the parents.

But when your ex-spouse is uncooperative or refuses to provide their share of the responsibility, it poses a big problem. You are left with the sole responsibility of caring for the child in terms of financial, emotional, and physical needs. If you are in this situation, you might feel hopeless about your case. So, how do you deal with an uncooperative ex? How do you ensure that your child is the number one priority and that their needs are met?

How to Co-Parent With An Uncooperative Ex

Are you frustrated by the lack of cooperation from your ex-spouse in co-parenting your child? Here are a few steps that can help you deal with this problem for the sake of your offspring:

Learn to set aside your hurt and anger. When co-parenting, your own feelings about your ex are not important. Save those feelings for your friends, counselor, or coach. You have to be strong for your kids. Bad mouthing your ex-spouse can be unhealthy for them. It is okay to feel hurt or angry, especially when your ex has abandoned their parenting duties. But you have to stay kid-focused. You need to do what is best for your child/ren at this moment.

Maintain strong communication lines. Communication is the single most important factor in any relationship. Even when you are divorced, you need to constantly communicate with your ex. Most spouses would want nothing to do with their ex when they divorce. But for the sake of your children, and to ensure that their needs are fulfilled, you must communicate. When communicating, set a business-like tone and don’t let your anger get in the way. It is also important to commit to listening. Communication is not a one-way street; you must be open to hearing what your ex has to say. Remember, you are both the parents and co-parenting means that you have to make shared decisions.

Be a team. This is yet another challenge when you are co-parenting with an ex-spouse who isn’t being cooperative. But you will have to make decisions together. Aside from communicating or talking consistently, you must work as a team. The best way to achieve this mindset is to think of your kids. Seeing the benefits that it can bring your child should motivate both of you to be civil about your situation. It is also a good idea to come up with rules and schedules on visits and other activities involving the child/ren.

Don’t ever sabotage your kids’ relationship with your ex. No matter how uncooperative your ex might be, just don’t go there. Do not speak poorly of your ex in front of your kids. Give them a chance to perform their role in this joint custody arrangement. Do not make them feel guilty or make threats involving the kids. Provide an avenue for your child to communicate with and have a relationship with your ex.

Make visitations easier. Whether your ex-spouse would visit your kids or they go to your ex’s house a few times each month, make it as easy as possible. Help your children to pack their things. Drop them off or schedule a pick-up time for the kids. This is not a normal routine for the children, so make the transition as easy for them as you can.

Summary

When it comes to divorce and co-parenting, it’s the children who suffer most–not the parents. You need to think about that when you are dealing with conflicts between you and your ex. Be the responsible parent so you can inspire the other to become one, too. According to experts, it is not the divorce or separation that hurts the children but the conflict. If you can maintain a cooperative joint custody arrangement, your child/ren can feel more secure and loved. They will also be mentally and emotionally healthier than if you were unable to fulfill your duties as parents in a divorce scenario.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of the acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! To get her free ebook, coaching services, expert interviews, programs, e-courses and other valuable resources on divorce and co-parenting, visit: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com

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