5 Ways To Handle A Negative Co-Parent

October 17, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

Anger-Conflict Programs for Co-Parenting & Other Life Challenges

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Are you trying to cope with a negative, confrontational co-parent after your divorce or breakup? It can be enormously challenging at best.

Most people acknowledge that staying positive and “taking the high road” is the best way to handle difficult people. But that’s much easier said than done.

It’s tough to stay positive when your co-parent exudes negativity toward you with every encounter. Repeated contact with the same stressful outcome will inevitably bring you down. It also drains your energy, bombarding your consciousness with self-doubt and insecurity. A negative, argumentative or disrespectful co-parent can be especially challenging when you are trying to be a positive role model for your children.

It’s important to remember: we can’t change other people, much as we would like to. This is particularly true for difficult people who are used to bullying their way through life.

What we can do is change our approach and attitude toward their behavior. This isn’t a magic formula that works with extreme narcissistic or sociopathic personalities. But these sound suggestions will shift your energy and mind-set when you’re dealing with a negative co-parent:

Don’t engage in direct arguments with your co-parent. Avoid trying to make your point or convince them of your wisdom. That only adds fuel to the fire, strengthening their mood, especially for those who feed off of conflict. Instead, remain silent and wait till the negative energy passes. That may mean a few minutes or a few days. Either way, by stopping the conflict you keep the negativity from intensifying so the situation doesn’t get worse. You’re also showing your co-parent that you won’t play by their old rules any longer, opening the door for them to shift their behavior patterns.

Focus on the injured person within them who is usually emotionally wounded and needing of love. You do that by listening to what they are trying to tell you behind the rage or frustration. Acknowledge their feelings by saying something like, “You sound very angry right now.” Then ask how you can help them. Find something in their demand or statement that you can agree with or address to show you’re listening and care. Negative people have difficulty receiving acceptance and positive treatment from others. Often they change their response and demands when they don’t feel heard, accepted or respected.

Find something positive about them and focus on that. Are they a loving parent, generous with the kids, punctual about appointments, responsible about financial commitments? Can you compliment their cooking, home-repair skills or involvement in kids’ sports teams? Negative people often resist finding anything positive in life, so pointing out some positive things about them during your conversations can be a breath of fresh air and a mood-changer for them.

Address their negative generalizations. Sweeping statements about “all women,” “all men,” or comments that start with “you always” or “you never”… are common ways negative people communicate. It’s a form of exaggeration and distorted thinking. Instead of denying and refuting, try asking for more specifics. “When was the last time I did something untrustworthy? “Did I forget to call you when I got back from my parents’ house?” This will help to hone in on the real issues or become too much effort to explain away, often changing the tone of the conversation.

Learn how to build strong boundaries and detach emotionally from your co-parent. Don’t take their comments and behavior personally. Nor should you waste time trying to change them. That only builds more resistance. Instead you can try agreeing with what they say. What you resist persists. When you agree with their comments, “Well, that may be so. I can imagine how frustrating that was. You have a right to feel that way” … they often tire of the conversation and their mood shifts.

Behaviors never change overnight. However, when you change your usual responses and your approach to communicating with your co-parent it opens the door to new energy in your co-parenting relationship. Use this opportunity to clear the air, own your behavior, make reasonable requests and suggest new agreements on behalf of your children. That can result in meaningful shifts in how you get along and how effectively you co-parent in the future.

Isn’t it worth the effort to produce a more harmonious co-parent relationship? Your children will be the winners in the long term.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

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9 Tips For Parents When You’re Dating After Divorce!

November 2, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

It’s no surprise that jumping into dating after a divorce can be difficult. But dating after a divorce when you have children can be even harder. That’s because your entire perspective on relationships changes after having children. Now you aren’t only looking for someone to spend your time with. You are looking for someone to be an adult role model for your children, as well, complicating many of your decisions.

Here are 9 important tips to grasp before you start socializing after divorce when you’re a parent.

Be open and honest with first dates. Let them know you have children, their general age range and whether they are living with you. This isn’t information you should hide. Being single with children is an important factor that impacts any dating relationship. You also want to find out how your date feels about children and whether they, too, are parents. Do not provide personal details, names, ages and other specifics about your kids. But never deny they are part of your life.

Use a babysitter in the early stages of dating. This is not the time to introduce your children to new partners. You don’t want kids to get attached to your dates when you yourself may not stay attached for too long.

Trust your gut feelings. If you’re having second thoughts about a partner, honor those feelings. Chances are good that this relationship will not last long and when children are involved, sooner is usually better.

Have the serious kid conversation. Once you’ve had more than four dates, it’s time to talk about the children in your life. Knowing how your date feels about kids, and whether they are a parent as well, is vitally important information. It can influence your relationship in significant ways. Never put a relationship partner before your love for and caretaking of your child. Never force your kids to like your “friend” so they can feel loved and accepted by you.

Take things slowly. If your dating relationship is going well, take your time before introducing your children to that person. And when they do meet, be sure to refer to your date as your “friend.” Keep in-person meetings short, such as lunch at a fast-food restaurant or an hour in the park. Allow more time together and brief home visits after a few weeks of successful encounters.

Talk to your kids. Ask your children for honest feedback about your “friend” and listen to what they say and don’t say. Are they feeling pressured to like your significant other? Are they jealous or otherwise uncomfortable about your new relationship? Do they feel relaxed in your “friend’s” presence? Your kids must feel safe to say what they like and don’t like, otherwise you will create tensions and wounds that are hard to heal. Sometimes our children have greater wisdom than we do regarding our relationship partners.

Reassure your children. Remind your kids that no one will ever replace them or come before them in your life. Children can feel insecure or jealous about your getting so much attention from someone new. Love isn’t a competition. Explain to your kids that adults need other adults to love – and you have enough love for both your kids and your new partner. Give your kids time to adjust to that thought Remind them too that no one will ever replace their other parent. Sometimes that’s the most important message they need to hear.

Don’t let your new partner parent. That rarely works. Your kids will resent the other adult putting your partner in a no-win situation. Parenting is stressful enough for you. Keep your significant other out of that position and focus on developing a mutual “friend” relationship between your partner and your children.

Minimize news of a breakup. Should you have a breakup, don’t announce it to the kids. If they ask, let them know you and your friend aren’t seeing each other any more. But don’t initiate the conversation or energize it with adult details or emotions. Vent to your friends or a dating coach. Don’t stress your kids with your emotional drama.

If you follow these 9 guidelines, you can move on after divorce in a happier, healthier way without sabotaging the wellbeing of the children you love.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce. She is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, which provides valuable resources for parents who are facing, moving through or transitioning after a divorce. She is also a Dating & Relationship Coach and co-host of Divorce, Dating & Empowered Living Radio Show & Podcast. For more advice on dating after divorce visit her websites: www.childcentereddivorce.com, www.womendatingafter40.com, www.womendatingrescue.com and www.mensdatingformula.com.