Divorce Advice From Family & Friends – Don’t Take It!

August 12, 2017 Leave a CommentWritten by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

The Divorce/Separation Path

Divorce by its very nature brings up lots of judgments. Most people have strong opinions about divorce, strongly influenced by their own experiences or the programming of their upbringing.

You’re very unlikely to change anyone’s mind about the best way to handle divorce when you’re a parent. So don’t try.

Your family and friends mean well. They want to support and help you through any crisis. But be aware that along with their support they bring their personal prejudices. These are weighed down by the baggage of judgments that inevitably color their advice. If you allow yourself to be influenced by the well-meant suggestions of these individuals, you may find yourself falling into a deep quagmire of confusion or even depression.

No one walks in your shoes or has experienced your history. At the same time, most everyone has an agenda, and opinion on what you should or shouldn’t do based on how they see the world.

Can your friends and family members, much as they do love you, be sincerely impartial at this time?
Can they offer you the best perspective on how to move ahead with your life?
Can they provide sound advice about your best options without their message being affected by their own life dramas and frustrations?

Be gracious about the advice you get – then do what is right for you!

In most cases, they cannot. When you’re besieged with advice, be gracious about accepting it. Listen and weigh its value. Then decide for yourself about what path you need to take next. Think about your innocent children and what decisions you need to make to best support them now, in the months to come, and in the years to follow.

How will they remember this time?
Will they understand your behaviors and decisions when they grow to maturity?
Will they be unnecessarily scarred by what you say, do or don’t do at this time?

A professional therapist, divorce coach or member of the clergy with experience in these matters can be a sounding board for you while offering a more impartial perspective on your present situation. It makes sense to talk to such a professional for advice, feedback and as a gauge to see if the direction you are moving in is the wisest for everyone in your family.

Talk to mediators or Collaborative attorneys before traditional divorce lawyers steering you into litigation. Discuss their approach to protecting your children not only legally, but also psychologically and emotionally as you move ahead. If your legal team is not family focused and co-parenting oriented it’s unlikely the children’s real needs will be addressed and they may suffer the consequences long-term.

Trained professionals know how to remain dispassionate while providing encouragement and support. They know how to listen and ask questions that clarify your challenges and the options available to you. Once you come to a decision and feel it is the best and most congruent direction for you and your children, then you can take action with confidence.

Don’t ask for agreement from your friends and family.

Ask instead for their support.

This is a time for focus and clarity. Trust yourself and trust those who are trained to help during the stresses related to divorce or separation. You are making life-transforming decisions that will affect your family, and especially your children, for years and even decades to come. Lean in the direction of creating a “child-centered” divorce, putting your children’s emotional needs first and foremost, and you are much more likely to look back at this time with a sense of well-being.

You did the best you could for those whose lives are in your hands.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of the internationally acclaimed, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! For expert advice on divorce and parenting issues, personal Coaching services, valuable resources and her free ebook – Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Doing It Right! visit Rosalind’s website at: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

4 Ways to Help Kids of Divorce Transition Between Homes

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

During divorce proceedings parenting plans and contact schedules are usually established to create a semblance of routine in this new chapter of family life. I am a strong believer in co-parenting whenever possible to serve the best interest of your children.

Sometimes parallel parenting is the norm, meaning you both parent the children but with minimum communication between parents. Keep in mind that your kids pick up on the emotional energy around their parents and life after divorce is smoother and easier for them when their parents behave with civility and maturity.

However you work out your shared parenting plan, it’s the reality of post-divorce daily life that puts co-parents to the test.

Here are 4 ways to ease the process for everyone involved.

1. Be patient with one another. Starting any new schedule in life is never easy. Chances are the between-home transitions will present a number of challenges for you as you adapt to the many responsibilities involved. At the same time, think about the challenges for your children who never signed on for this. Be especially empathic with them if they express frustration, anger and resentment at first. Listen to them; respect their right to voice their feelings. Also allow your children time to adjust to the “new” home after each transition. In time these changes will become just another “routine.” Remember, your ex is adjusting to these changes just as you are. Be tolerant of one another. You’re all in the same boat so to speak.

2. Be prepared with all information in advance. Never argue or have disagreements over drop-off and pick-up details or parenting issues in front of your children. Have a calendar app or use one of the convenient online scheduling programs available so you and the kids can see at a glance when transitions will occur. Establish a system for creating and confirming schedule data — and use it. Know the answers before leaving home. Keep drop offs quick, simple and pleasant for the kids. Create a brief goodbye routine and send them on their way with a hug and a smile. If there are issues to discuss, talk to your ex when you’re both alone at another time.

3. Be pleasant and positive. Some children feel guilty about staying at the other parent’s house. They fear you’ll feel lonely or abandoned. It’s important to give your children permission to enjoy themselves and their time with Dad or Mom. Tell them you have much to do and will appreciate some “alone” time. Remind them you will also miss them and look forward to their return. In advance, talk to them about the fun they will have and how much their other parent wants to see them, as well. Let them know both Mom and Dad love them and deserve time with them. Never say disrespectful things about your ex before the visit or ask them to spy on Mom or Dad on your behalf. Let your children enjoy just being kids!

4. Be cooperative, flexible and understanding. Allow your children to feel free to contact their other parent — and let that parent contact them when necessary. Never create the feeling that their Mom or Dad is the enemy who can’t invade on YOUR time with the kids. Be respectful when you do check in with them – and allow the same courtesy to your ex. That is what co-parenting is all about. Sometimes plans change. Bend over backwards to accommodate your ex and more than likely they will do the same for you. This models behavior you want your children to learn anyway. Why not take the high road and be the parent you want your children to admire and emulate?

If you keep these points in mind, you will be on your way to creating and living the child-centered divorce you want for your children. You have the power to make one of the most challenging post-divorce realities – sharing time with your children – a smooth and pleasant experience. You will all benefit from the effort you make to do it right from the very beginning. So why choose any other plan?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, Founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — with Love!For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right, her Coaching services and other valuable resources on divorce and parenting issues, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.