Divorce Advice From Family & Friends – Don’t Take It!

August 28, 2017 by Chris Wojtowicz

Divorce Advice From Family & Friends – Don’t Take It!

August 12, 2017 Leave a CommentWritten by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

The Divorce/Separation Path

Divorce by its very nature brings up lots of judgments. Most people have strong opinions about divorce, strongly influenced by their own experiences or the programming of their upbringing.

You’re very unlikely to change anyone’s mind about the best way to handle divorce when you’re a parent. So don’t try.

Your family and friends mean well. They want to support and help you through any crisis. But be aware that along with their support they bring their personal prejudices. These are weighed down by the baggage of judgments that inevitably color their advice. If you allow yourself to be influenced by the well-meant suggestions of these individuals, you may find yourself falling into a deep quagmire of confusion or even depression.

No one walks in your shoes or has experienced your history. At the same time, most everyone has an agenda, and opinion on what you should or shouldn’t do based on how they see the world.

Can your friends and family members, much as they do love you, be sincerely impartial at this time?
Can they offer you the best perspective on how to move ahead with your life?
Can they provide sound advice about your best options without their message being affected by their own life dramas and frustrations?

Be gracious about the advice you get – then do what is right for you!

In most cases, they cannot. When you’re besieged with advice, be gracious about accepting it. Listen and weigh its value. Then decide for yourself about what path you need to take next. Think about your innocent children and what decisions you need to make to best support them now, in the months to come, and in the years to follow.

How will they remember this time?
Will they understand your behaviors and decisions when they grow to maturity?
Will they be unnecessarily scarred by what you say, do or don’t do at this time?

A professional therapist, divorce coach or member of the clergy with experience in these matters can be a sounding board for you while offering a more impartial perspective on your present situation. It makes sense to talk to such a professional for advice, feedback and as a gauge to see if the direction you are moving in is the wisest for everyone in your family.

Talk to mediators or Collaborative attorneys before traditional divorce lawyers steering you into litigation. Discuss their approach to protecting your children not only legally, but also psychologically and emotionally as you move ahead. If your legal team is not family focused and co-parenting oriented it’s unlikely the children’s real needs will be addressed and they may suffer the consequences long-term.

Trained professionals know how to remain dispassionate while providing encouragement and support. They know how to listen and ask questions that clarify your challenges and the options available to you. Once you come to a decision and feel it is the best and most congruent direction for you and your children, then you can take action with confidence.

Don’t ask for agreement from your friends and family.

Ask instead for their support.

This is a time for focus and clarity. Trust yourself and trust those who are trained to help during the stresses related to divorce or separation. You are making life-transforming decisions that will affect your family, and especially your children, for years and even decades to come. Lean in the direction of creating a “child-centered” divorce, putting your children’s emotional needs first and foremost, and you are much more likely to look back at this time with a sense of well-being.

You did the best you could for those whose lives are in your hands.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, is a Divorce & Parenting Coach and author of the internationally acclaimed, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children — With Love! For expert advice on divorce and parenting issues, personal Coaching services, valuable resources and her free ebook – Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Doing It Right! visit Rosalind’s website at: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Divorce Doesn’t Scar Children – Selfish Parents Do!

June 11, 2016 by Chris Wojtowicz

Divorce Doesn’t Scar Children – Selfish Parents Do!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Divorce is a highly emotional topic. When children are involved the consequences are far more dramatic – and, not surprisingly, so are our opinions. I know there are many people who sincerely believe that no divorce is a good divorce. That children are always and inevitably harmed by the physical and emotional separation of their parents. And that parents should – for the sake of the kids – just stick it out and not rock the boat with divorce or separation until the children are grown.

This is a particularly prevalent view for many who are grown children of divorce. These adults have experienced the dramatic life changes that come with divorce and feel permanently scarred as a result.

This response is certainly understandable. But it’s not the final word on this subject. I have another perspective based on the experience of being raised in a family that chose to stay together “for the sake of the kids.” My parents should have divorced early in their marriage. They were both miserable together, had little respect for each other, and raised two children in a home fraught with anger, tension, frequent loud arguments and discord.

I remember my mother asking me one day when I was in early adolescence whether she should divorce Dad. “No,” I cried. I wanted a Mom and a Dad like the other kids. My childhood was miserable and filled with insecurity. Immersed in that insecurity I feared what life would be like if my parents were divorced. Mom didn’t have the courage to do it anyway (those were vastly different times, especially for women) and she continued in her unhappy marriage for decades more.

Looking back, I feel that was an unfortunate mistake. Neither of my parents were bad people. They were both just totally mismatched. Their communication skills were miserably lacking and they were wrapped up in winning every battle at all costs. The cost, of course, was the well-being of their family, especially of their children. I believe that each of them would have been happier and more fulfilled had they parted ways and remained single or chosen another mate.

Based on my own personal experience, I’ve come to firmly believe that it’s not divorce that scars our children. It’s wounded parents who do not care, understand or see that their behavior is hurting their children. It’s vindictive parents who put down the other spouse in front of their kids. It’s parents who decide they should have sole custody or primary influence over the children with little regard as to the kid’s relationship with the other parent. It’s parents who confide their adult dramas to innocent children who just want to love Mommy and Daddy. It’s parents who put financial gain and material decisions over the emotional well-being of their children.

In essence, it’s selfish parents who put their own needs ahead of those of their totally dependent children when making life-altering parental decisions. When these parents get a divorce, the consequences are not only sad. Too often they end up scarring innocent psyches. They forget — or are ignorant about — how their decisions will affect their children in the months, years and, yes, decades ahead. It is not divorce per se, but the divorce of two parents so enraged by each other that they make decisions based on blind hatred rather than conscious, educated wisdom.

There is much more that can be said on this subject but space prompts me to stop for now. I value your feedback on this controversial topic and encourage thoughtful dialogue within these pages. Please send your comments along to me for more in-depth discussion.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a “child-centered divorce.” For other free articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide ™ to preparing your children — with love, Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com