9 Tips For Parents When You’re Dating After Divorce!

November 2, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

It’s no surprise that jumping into dating after a divorce can be difficult. But dating after a divorce when you have children can be even harder. That’s because your entire perspective on relationships changes after having children. Now you aren’t only looking for someone to spend your time with. You are looking for someone to be an adult role model for your children, as well, complicating many of your decisions.

Here are 9 important tips to grasp before you start socializing after divorce when you’re a parent.

Be open and honest with first dates. Let them know you have children, their general age range and whether they are living with you. This isn’t information you should hide. Being single with children is an important factor that impacts any dating relationship. You also want to find out how your date feels about children and whether they, too, are parents. Do not provide personal details, names, ages and other specifics about your kids. But never deny they are part of your life.

Use a babysitter in the early stages of dating. This is not the time to introduce your children to new partners. You don’t want kids to get attached to your dates when you yourself may not stay attached for too long.

Trust your gut feelings. If you’re having second thoughts about a partner, honor those feelings. Chances are good that this relationship will not last long and when children are involved, sooner is usually better.

Have the serious kid conversation. Once you’ve had more than four dates, it’s time to talk about the children in your life. Knowing how your date feels about kids, and whether they are a parent as well, is vitally important information. It can influence your relationship in significant ways. Never put a relationship partner before your love for and caretaking of your child. Never force your kids to like your “friend” so they can feel loved and accepted by you.

Take things slowly. If your dating relationship is going well, take your time before introducing your children to that person. And when they do meet, be sure to refer to your date as your “friend.” Keep in-person meetings short, such as lunch at a fast-food restaurant or an hour in the park. Allow more time together and brief home visits after a few weeks of successful encounters.

Talk to your kids. Ask your children for honest feedback about your “friend” and listen to what they say and don’t say. Are they feeling pressured to like your significant other? Are they jealous or otherwise uncomfortable about your new relationship? Do they feel relaxed in your “friend’s” presence? Your kids must feel safe to say what they like and don’t like, otherwise you will create tensions and wounds that are hard to heal. Sometimes our children have greater wisdom than we do regarding our relationship partners.

Reassure your children. Remind your kids that no one will ever replace them or come before them in your life. Children can feel insecure or jealous about your getting so much attention from someone new. Love isn’t a competition. Explain to your kids that adults need other adults to love – and you have enough love for both your kids and your new partner. Give your kids time to adjust to that thought Remind them too that no one will ever replace their other parent. Sometimes that’s the most important message they need to hear.

Don’t let your new partner parent. That rarely works. Your kids will resent the other adult putting your partner in a no-win situation. Parenting is stressful enough for you. Keep your significant other out of that position and focus on developing a mutual “friend” relationship between your partner and your children.

Minimize news of a breakup. Should you have a breakup, don’t announce it to the kids. If they ask, let them know you and your friend aren’t seeing each other any more. But don’t initiate the conversation or energize it with adult details or emotions. Vent to your friends or a dating coach. Don’t stress your kids with your emotional drama.

If you follow these 9 guidelines, you can move on after divorce in a happier, healthier way without sabotaging the wellbeing of the children you love.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is a Divorce & Parenting Coach, recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce. She is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, which provides valuable resources for parents who are facing, moving through or transitioning after a divorce. She is also a Dating & Relationship Coach and co-host of Divorce, Dating & Empowered Living Radio Show & Podcast. For more advice on dating after divorce visit her websites: www.childcentereddivorce.com, www.womendatingafter40.com, www.womendatingrescue.com and www.mensdatingformula.com.

6 Key Questions When Children of Divorce Resist Their Other Parent

November 10, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Parenting after divorce is always challenging, especially when your children act out. One big issue is handling children if they resist spending time with their other parent. Many factors come into play.

Here are 6 crucial questions to ask yourself which can help you determine the source of the problem and understand the reasons why your children are resisting contact with their other parent.

Are they feeling guilty or disloyal about leaving your presence? This can easily influence how they react to visits or time away living with their other parent.
Have they been privy to information, slurs or other comments that make them dislike their other parent? Do they hear you complain about that parent to family or friends? Are they being raised in an environment hostile towards that parent?
Has their other parent been mistreating them or disciplining them in a different way than you do? Is the contrast between both parents dramatic or extreme?
Are you sending mixed-messages to your kids about their other parent? Are you co-parenting respectfully with one another – or exposing the kids to your inner conflict and tension?
Was their relationship or communication with their other parent weak or limited prior to the divorce? It’s hard to establish a more positive relationship post-divorce in families where one parent was absent or emotionally unavailable.
Are they holding their other parent responsible for the divorce or its outcome? Children, especially as they grow older, can develop strong judgments about their life and blaming one parent is a common outcome.

Any one of these situations can influence a child’s decisions regarding routine or holiday visits and needs to be compassionately addressed. In many cases the parents can resolve the problem by discussing the issues together or with the added guidance of a therapist, mediator or divorce coach.

Are you unknowingly creating a parental alienation mindset?

Sometimes we are not aware of the subtle ways we influence our children’s feelings about their other parent. For example, it’s not uncommon for a post-divorce parent to show signs of depression or neediness in the months after the divorce. Some parents confide in their children about their emotional turmoil or missing them so much when they are away. This can result in children who are afraid to leave you – creating shame, blame or other forms of anxiety in the home. Consequently these kids take on more of the parenting role. They also feel guilty for loving or wanting to spend time with their other parent. If this is the case, you are doing them an injustice and robbing them of the joys of having two parents to love.

I highly suggest that you sit down with your kids to discuss these issues and find out what their feelings are. Ask pertinent questions and be sure to listen to their responses. Have your children been comfortable in both homes? Are the rules in each home too different or even conflicting? Have outside factors such as getting to school on time, class bullies or other challenges affected their wellbeing? Are your children afraid of spending time alone with their other parent? And if so, why?

These are complex and highly charged issues. Again, seeking the advice of a professional counselor or divorce coach can be useful for both parents in uncovering the motivation behind your children’s behavior or anxieties.

Keep in mind that kids will often tell a mental health professional “secrets” they’re not comfortable telling their parents. Listen to your children without judgment or lecturing. That only puts them on the defensive and stops the flow of communication. See if a family meeting to resolve issues together will work. When everyone contributes to and agrees on new rules, they are more likely to be followed.

Avoid making family decisions outside of the family.

While visitation issues can be a legal matter, it’s essential that parents be proactive in non-legal ways as well. It’s much easier and saner to handle situations related to your children within the family than by giving up your power to judges and courts. Get the help you need from caring professionals who embrace the child-centered divorce philosophy. Address these issues as soon as possible. Your children will appreciate your care and loving attention – and thank you when they are grown.

Children benefit from having healthy relationships with both parents whenever possible. By being attentive to seeing the world from their perspective and responding proactively, parental visiting issues can be resolved harmoniously for everyone in your post-divorce family.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book