Divorcing Parents: Don’t See Divorce As a Failure

April 22, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

Family Portrait

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

We all know divorce marks the end of a marital relationship. But when children are involved, it need not mean the end of the family. This is an important distinction for both parents and children to grasp. It can affect how that family is impacted by the divorce.

Too often in our culture we look at divorce as a failure. That negative label puts an added emotional burden on parents when they are already feeling vulnerable, ashamed, anxious and confused.

Rather than reflecting failure, divorce can be a solution for families. This is especially true for families that have been living with tension, anger, disrespect or other highly charged emotions. For those families divorce may become an intervention. It changes the form of a family, but need not mean the end of that family from a child’s eyes.

Parents who work on reframing their perspective on divorce can see it without the negative judgment. That mindset paves the way for a smoother transition into co-parenting success. It also helps children accept the divorce as a challenge they have to face. But not an overwhelming obstacle they have to overcome.

Parental attitude makes all the difference.

When we focus on divorce as about change and not about blame, we give our children the ability to adapt and accept more easily. Change is a natural part of everyone’s life. Kids regularly change their favorite sports, hairstyles and hobbies. They adapt to new teachers, new classmates and new grade levels at school. They accept different academic demands as they age. Life is full of changes and good parents help their children embrace these changes as part of growing up.

When parents make their divorce about change, and not about failure, much of the shame, blame, fear and anxiety attached to divorce loses its impact.

Most all divorce professionals agree that it’s not divorce itself that scars children. It’s how parents approach the divorce that does most of the damage. Those parents who step up as positive role models make life easier for their children. They talk with their kids about accepting change and overcoming challenges. They set examples for coping with stress and conflict without overstepping boundaries. They listen with compassion to what their children are saying. This kind of loving support helps children thrive at a time when they need their parents most.

Turning a challenge into a learning opportunity.

Here are some suggestions for minimizing judgment and maximizing a positive attitude when talking to your kids about your divorce.

Encourage children to love and stay in contact with their other parent without guilt, shame or fear.

Avoid being critical when talking about their other parent and find positive things to say when referring to them.

Listen empathically when your children vent or express their feelings about the divorce, even if you don’t agree. Show understanding and acknowledge their right to their feelings.

Offer your children outside support through school counselors or therapists if they are having problems you can’t easily remedy.

Never lie about, distort or exaggerate information as a way of alienating or turning your children against their other parent.

Resist the temptation to use your children as your confidants, even older teens. Find divorce professionals to talk to.

No two divorces are the same. Nor are children all alike in how they experience or accept divorce. But they all look to us as parents for guidance in how to navigate this new and challenging period in their lives.

Parents must hone their skills in adjusting to and accepting change. They can see change as an opportunity to do new things and have new experiences. That way their children are more likely to embrace changes related to divorce with greater ease. Parents who express resistance and lament about what used to be, suffer. They also get caught in a victim mindset of despair and helplessness. Sadly, their kids are more likely to follow suit.

With the right attitude your divorce can become a learning opportunity of immeasurable value. It will also benefit your children in the months and years ahead.

Everything in life is affected by our choices. Make the choices now that your children will thank you for when they are grown. The lessons they learn today will stay with them for a lifetime.

*** *** ***

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books and e-courses on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

Please share this article on social media!

Co-Parenting After Divorce Depends On Smart Decisions

Divorce catches kids in the middle

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

If you’re a parent, divorce doesn’t end your relationship with your former spouse. It only changes the form in some specific ways. It is still essential to create a working relationship focused on the optimum care and concern for your children. Every co-parenting relationship will be unique, affected by your post-divorce family dynamics. However, there are guidelines that will enhance the results for children in any family. Here are some crucial points to keep in mind to maximize your co-parenting success.

Respect your co-parent’s boundaries:

Chances are your former spouse has a different parenting style than you, with some conflicting rules. Rather than stress yourself about these differences, learn to accept that life is never consistent and it may actually be beneficial for your kids to experience other ways of doing things. Step back from micro-managing your co-parent’s life. If the kids aren’t in harm’s way, let go and focus on only the most serious issues before you take a stand.

Create routine co-parent check-ins:

The more co-parents communicate with one another about the children, the less likely for small issues to grow into major problems. Select days/times for phone, email or in-person visits. Discuss in advance visitation transfer agreements. List who’s responsible for what each day, week or month. Food, homework, curfews, health issues, allowances, school transportation, sport activities, play dates, holiday plans and more should be clearly agreed upon, when possible – or scheduled for further discussion. Once you have a clear parenting plan structured – follow it to the best of your ability. But allow for last-minute changes and special “favors” to facilitate cooperation.

Encourage your child’s co-parent relationship:

Regardless of your personal feelings about your ex, your children need a healthy connection with their other parent. Keep snide comments to yourself and don’t discuss your parenting frustrations with your children. Encourage your kids to maintain a caring, respectful relationship with their other parent. Remind them about Mom or Dad’s birthday and holiday gifts. Make time in the weekly schedule for phone calls, cards, email and letters to keep the children’s connection alive when your co-parent is at a distance. Your children will thank you when they grow up.

Be compassionate with your in-laws:

Remember that a Grandparent’s love doesn’t stop after divorce. If your children had a healthy bond with your former spouse’s extended family, don’t punish them by severing that connection. Children thrive on family attachments, holiday get-togethers and traditions they’ve come to love. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins can be a great source of comfort to children during stressful times and a sense of continuity with the past. Dissolving those relationships is hurtful to both your children and the other family. Think long and hard before making such an emotionally damaging decision.

Above all, be flexible. When you allow calls from your co-parent when the kids are in your home, they will be more receptive to your calls when the tables are turned. Remember, you are still a parenting team working on behalf of your children. That commonality should enable you to overlook the thorns in your co-parenting relationship and focus on the flowering buds that are the children you are raising.

* * *

Please share this article on social media!