Divorced Co-Parents’ Dilemma: Balancing Privacy vs. Sharing

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

My co-parent tells our kids not to tell me about what goes on at home when they visit. Can’t I ask questions?

You’re not alone in being frustrated by finding balance in the privacy versus sharing equation. And there is no simple answer. After divorce most parents want to keep their private lives private and don’t want the children sharing too many details about their visit time. Asking your children to “spy” on their other parent puts the kids in an awkward situation. They feel guilty, pressured and confused, especially if Mom or Dad tells them not to share specific information.

This delicate subject needs to be addressed between both parents and agreed upon in advance. Discuss sensible boundaries, taking into account the age of your child. Children should be able to talk to both parents about activities, meals or other innocent details regarding their time with their other parent. That’s how they relate. Asking a child not to say anything is unfair to them as they usually want to talk about things they did. But you shouldn’t probe beyond the superficial with them. If you want to know exactly what Dad bought them for dinner, who the friend was that stopped by and what time they went to bed, you should have that conversation with Dad.

For those who aren’t communicating easily via phone, try one of the online scheduling services designed for just this purpose. Use it to avoid conflict related to overlooked messages, event details, school notes, important phone numbers, etc. Create some agreements about information or conversation boundaries in advance. Perhaps Mom and Dad need to share menus or venues they visited that week on the scheduling calendar or via email. Perhaps that information is not to be shared. Get help from a mediator or therapist if you need an intermediary in making agreements. Just keep the kids out of the conflict!

What if my co-parent doesn’t let me call my kids while at the other home?

Children suffer when one parent doesn’t allow the kids to communicate with their other parent – whether it’s over night or for an extensive stay. Divorce forces children to be separated from one parent most times. It was not their choice. Insisting they have no contact with the other parent punishes the children unnecessarily. Connection with parents creates security and a sense of comfort. Talking for just a few minutes on the phone, via text or tablet provides that comfort. Denying your child time to maintain connection with either parent is hurtful and will be destructive long-term.

Be sure not to exploit that contact time and overstay your welcome. A 5 to 10 minute conversation should cover your bases without being too overindulgent. Remember to welcome those calls when the kids are at your home.

If your co-parent doesn’t want to cooperate in this regard, try to bring a therapist, divorce coach or other expert into the picture to mediate a resolution. You’ll find numerous articles on my www.ChildCenteredDivorce.comwebsite as well as several other divorce and parenting websites and blogs encouraging both parents to keep communication with the childrenas easy and stress-free as possible. Sometimes, simply sending an article or two to your co-parent will open their minds to the importance of giving the children ongoing contact with their other parent. If that doesn’t work, taking legal action may be necessary, but only as a last resort.

Always remind your children that you love and miss them when they are not with you. However, never “guilt” them into feeling emotional turmoil about leaving you to stay with their other parent. Encourage positive visits and remind them you look forward to seeing them again next time it’s your turn.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books and e-courses on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK onDoing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

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5 Ways To Handle A Negative Co-Parent

October 17, 2019Written by Rosalind Sedacca

Anger-Conflict Programs for Co-Parenting & Other Life Challenges

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Are you trying to cope with a negative, confrontational co-parent after your divorce or breakup? It can be enormously challenging at best.

Most people acknowledge that staying positive and “taking the high road” is the best way to handle difficult people. But that’s much easier said than done.

It’s tough to stay positive when your co-parent exudes negativity toward you with every encounter. Repeated contact with the same stressful outcome will inevitably bring you down. It also drains your energy, bombarding your consciousness with self-doubt and insecurity. A negative, argumentative or disrespectful co-parent can be especially challenging when you are trying to be a positive role model for your children.

It’s important to remember: we can’t change other people, much as we would like to. This is particularly true for difficult people who are used to bullying their way through life.

What we can do is change our approach and attitude toward their behavior. This isn’t a magic formula that works with extreme narcissistic or sociopathic personalities. But these sound suggestions will shift your energy and mind-set when you’re dealing with a negative co-parent:

Don’t engage in direct arguments with your co-parent. Avoid trying to make your point or convince them of your wisdom. That only adds fuel to the fire, strengthening their mood, especially for those who feed off of conflict. Instead, remain silent and wait till the negative energy passes. That may mean a few minutes or a few days. Either way, by stopping the conflict you keep the negativity from intensifying so the situation doesn’t get worse. You’re also showing your co-parent that you won’t play by their old rules any longer, opening the door for them to shift their behavior patterns.

Focus on the injured person within them who is usually emotionally wounded and needing of love. You do that by listening to what they are trying to tell you behind the rage or frustration. Acknowledge their feelings by saying something like, “You sound very angry right now.” Then ask how you can help them. Find something in their demand or statement that you can agree with or address to show you’re listening and care. Negative people have difficulty receiving acceptance and positive treatment from others. Often they change their response and demands when they don’t feel heard, accepted or respected.

Find something positive about them and focus on that. Are they a loving parent, generous with the kids, punctual about appointments, responsible about financial commitments? Can you compliment their cooking, home-repair skills or involvement in kids’ sports teams? Negative people often resist finding anything positive in life, so pointing out some positive things about them during your conversations can be a breath of fresh air and a mood-changer for them.

Address their negative generalizations. Sweeping statements about “all women,” “all men,” or comments that start with “you always” or “you never”… are common ways negative people communicate. It’s a form of exaggeration and distorted thinking. Instead of denying and refuting, try asking for more specifics. “When was the last time I did something untrustworthy? “Did I forget to call you when I got back from my parents’ house?” This will help to hone in on the real issues or become too much effort to explain away, often changing the tone of the conversation.

Learn how to build strong boundaries and detach emotionally from your co-parent. Don’t take their comments and behavior personally. Nor should you waste time trying to change them. That only builds more resistance. Instead you can try agreeing with what they say. What you resist persists. When you agree with their comments, “Well, that may be so. I can imagine how frustrating that was. You have a right to feel that way” … they often tire of the conversation and their mood shifts.

Behaviors never change overnight. However, when you change your usual responses and your approach to communicating with your co-parent it opens the door to new energy in your co-parenting relationship. Use this opportunity to clear the air, own your behavior, make reasonable requests and suggest new agreements on behalf of your children. That can result in meaningful shifts in how you get along and how effectively you co-parent in the future.

Isn’t it worth the effort to produce a more harmonious co-parent relationship? Your children will be the winners in the long term.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books, e-courses and programs on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

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