3 Keys To Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem After Divorce

3 Keys To Rebuilding Your Self-Esteem After Divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Divorce catches kids in the middle

Divorce catches kids in the middle

Divorce can be devastating on many levels. In addition to the financial and stress toll on both partners, it can easily wreak havoc on one’s self-esteem. Even those who initiate the divorce process can experience tremendous emotional turmoil resulting in guilt, anxiety and insecurity. Those who were not expecting or in any way desiring the break-up can come away feeling psychologically battered, confused and questioning their own worth.

It’s hard to tackle these burdens alone. A support group, personal divorce coach, professional counselor or other similar resources will be very valuable in reminding you that 1) you are not alone in your experiences or feelings and 2) there is a brighter future ahead for you – if you take proactive steps in that direction.

While family and friends are usually very well-intentioned, their support may not always be valuable for you. They have their own agendas, perspectives and values about marriage, family and divorce. What you most need at this difficult time is a support system that is dispassionate, compassionate and knowledgeable about responsible behaviors that will move you into a more positive chapter in your life.

Here are a few suggestions to guide you in boosting your self-esteem during the divorce and its aftermath.

Be committed to releasing the past:

Moving on is all about mind-set. If you stay stuck in reliving and clinging to what no longer is your reality, you will not open the door to the next chapter in your life. There will be better, brighter days ahead – if you allow that awareness into your experience. Make space in your life for new friends, relationships, career options and fulfilling activities. Look for and expect new opportunities in new places. See the future as a positive beginning for you and your children. You’ll be pleasantly surprised about what you can create when you anticipate good things ahead.

Choose your company wisely:

We can’t easily change other people, but we can change the company we associate with. If your social group isn’t supportive of you, or tends to wallow in self-pity, realize you have a choice in your life about who you’re spending time with. Choose instead: aware, introspective people who accept responsibility for their own behavior and proactively move ahead in transforming their lives.

Move out of the blame game and put yourself in the company of positive people with high self-esteem who can appreciate you, with all your assets and baggage, as the wonderful person you are. You may find these people where you least expect them. So step out of your comfort zone – and be receptive to new friends and new experiences.

Be Flexible about Change

Life is always filled with changes, not just during divorce. Get comfortable with the unknowns ahead and accept that change is inevitable. While dark periods are tough to handle, realize they too will fall away and be replaced with better days and new relationships. Listen to your self-talk. Let go of limiting beliefs about yourself.

When you catch yourself in doubt, fear or put-down language, become aware of that message and consciously refute it. I am a worthy parent. I will attract a new loving partner. I deserve to be happy in my relationships. My children love me and know how much I love them.

Determine what you want to change about yourself from within and relax about controlling circumstances around you. When you come to accept the reality of changes in your life, you’ll feel more at peace with yourself and those around you.

Life is all about choices and decisions. Use your divorce as a catalyst for positive change. Choose to be the person and parent you most want to be. Then watch how circumstances around you settle into place more harmoniously than you ever expected.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and author of numerous books and e-courses on divorcing with children and co-parenting successfully. For instant download of her FREE EBOOK on Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes! go to: childcentereddivorce.com/book

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© Rosalind Sedacca  All rights reserved.

4 Crucial Steps To Transforming Your Life After Divorce!

4 Crucial Steps To Transforming Your Life After Divorce!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CDC

Divorce is always a life-altering experience. But it doesn’t have to be all negative. For many it’s a time of personal self-discovery. For others, a self-made prison of depression and resentment.

What makes the difference is our acceptance of what is and our ability to use the divorce as a stepping stone to a new and better life. The bottom line: it’s all up to us. We can generate an attitude of positive expectation or we can choose instead a life filled with the pain of self-pity and despair.

The real challenge: changing our attitude or perspective on life is not a simple task. But if you take consistent steps in that direction, you’ll create the foundation for a happier future — both for yourself and the children you love.

Start by focusing your attention on these 4 Steps to transforming your life toward a brighter future. You’ll never regret it.

Heighten your levels of self-esteem.

Don’t let divorce take its toll on your self-esteem, especially if you didn’t choose the breakup of your marriage. Feeling rejected, abused or like a helpless victim undermines your value. It’s a mindset that can keep you from moving on after divorce to a new and more rewarding reality. No one can take your pride and confidence from you. You must decide for yourself that you’re ready to create a better life by embracing the possibilities ahead. Choose to make pro-active decisions, seek out new supportive friends, engage your energy in fulfilling activities. Are there parts of yourself that were dormant during your marriage? Now’s the time to tap into those attributes or interests and let them soar. Your children will benefit from watching you re-discover who you are. Better still, they’ll  see you as a positive role model as you tackle life challenges.

Use your divorce as a gift to yourself.

The greatest lesson in self-awareness comes from finding the answers to key life questions: What went wrong – and why? What part did I play in the break-up of my marriage? If I had responded earlier to red flag warnings might I have changed the outcome, reduced the pain, put us back on track or better protected me and the kids? These are hard questions to answer. It can be helpful to find a therapist, coach or support group to guide you in finding meaningful insights. Be careful that you don’t get stuck on your regrets. This is your gift. Find the lessons you can learn now. They will become the catalyst to help you move ahead with more confidence in creating that happier future.

Experience the blessings that come with forgiveness.

Forgiveness is not for or about the other person. It releases you from the pain of staying bound up in the past. Blaming yourself or your former spouse does nothing toward improving your life. Instead, it keeps you from really enjoying today – as well as tomorrow. Understanding the gift of forgiveness is a huge step forward. It may require reaching out for professional help in letting go, moving on and understanding the incredible value of forgiveness as a positive tool for self-empowerment. Remember, forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning the pain you experienced in the past. It means you’re no longer letting it hurt you any more! So forgiving your former spouse is about breaking the emotional cords that have held you hostage to old hurts and memories. It frees you to make healthy new connections — and that’s the path to creating brighter tomorrows!

Revise your expectations about healthy relationships.

What have you learned about relationship success? Did you originally choose the right marriage partner? Or had you accepted or settled for less than you imagined? Did you have unrealistic expectations about the realities of a committed relationship? Do you now have different requirements for a love partner in terms of interests, values or goals? Successful relationships require skill in communicating, resolving conflict, and a multitude of other challenges. It’s even more complicated when children are involved. Before stepping out into the singles-dating arena, do your homework. Learn about who you really are, what you can give and what you need in return to create a fulfilling intimate relationship that works. Give yourself the time. Get the professional support you may need. Do it right — for you and your children! Your future lies ahead. Make it one you desire – and deserve!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is aDivorce & Co-Parenting Coach, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network as well as a Dating After Divorce Mentor. For her free ebook on Post-Divorce Parenting: Success Strategies for Getting It Right, plus and other valuable resources for parents, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Click the COACHING button to learn more about Rosalind’s co-parenting courses and Coaching services. For Dating and Relationship Success, visit www.womendatingafter40.com, www.womendatingrescue.comor www.mensdatingformula.com.